


It's Perfectly Logical That You Should Pay My Therapy Bills

by futuretrapqueen



Category: Football RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-31
Updated: 2015-07-31
Packaged: 2018-04-12 04:32:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,157
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4465565
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/futuretrapqueen/pseuds/futuretrapqueen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Their ventures into the outside world almost never went off without a hitch and today was no exception.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's Perfectly Logical That You Should Pay My Therapy Bills

**Author's Note:**

> I love this pairing :)

" _Let's go for a hik_ e, he said. _It will be nice_ , he said. _We can watch the sunset_ , he said. Well fuck you, Leo! This isn't how I'm supposed to die!"

Leo had suggested, sometime during the day, that he and Cristiano get out of the house for a bit. Cristiano, always up for a bit of fresh air, had been in the mood for some physical activity, so he had agreed.

Albeit reluctantly.

Mostly because their ventures into the outside world almost never went off without a hitch and today was no exception.

What should have been a 45 minute, leisurely hike through the woods, turned into a 4 hour SOS mission through the wilderness to acquire any kind of safe haven that they could find.

Cristiano's anxiety was through the roof.

And Leo ... Leo needed a beer.

"Calm down, Cris. I know where we are."

"Oh really? Then tell me, Christopher Columbus, where the fuck are we? And I want exact coordinates."

"We ... are in the woods."

"Oh my God." Cristiano bent forward and braced his hands on his knees, chest heaving. "Oh my fucking God."

It was getting late. The sun was starting to set and as much as Leo was confident in his ability to get them home, he was starting to panic slightly.

"Cris, all we have to do is come back the way we came."

"And which way is that, Leo?! You look left, you look right and all you see is fucking trees. Just doppelganger, upon doppelganger of botanical bullshit!"

Leo rubbed the older mans back in an attempt to calm him down.

"I know how this story ends Leo. Some nut job ax murderer finds us and and we get butchered for his fucking dinner."

"Cristiano ..."

"Or worse! Knowing our luck the fucking zombie apocalypse began today and here we are! Warm, fresh meat wandering around like we have nowh - OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!"

A twig had snapped somewhere in the distance causing Cristiano to jolt and grab onto to Leo.

"Cris, baby. Breathe, please. We can do this."

Cristiano let out a shaky breath, whining dubiously.

"There's dirt on my shoes. These are new shoes, Leo."

"Who wears white Nikes on a hike, Cris?"

"And I'm thirsty. I'm starting to dehydrate Leo."

"I'll get you something as soon we get home."

"What if we don't make it home? What if we're forced to drink our own urine?"

"Cris ..."

"Leeeoooo I'm not made for this. I can't drink my piss. I'll be dead by morning."

"Cris, there's a stream literally right next to you."

"..."

"..."

"Oh good I can clean my Nikes."

"Jesus Christ ..."

~

After following the stream for what felt like an eternity, Leo had somehow managed to get them back on track.

Cris though, was still too worked up to notice. After having walked into a dozen spiders webs, tripping on a handful of tree roots and falling into a mound of 'quicksand' (it was mud, nothing more than mud) he was 110% done with the entire situation.

"If I die, I want you to have my house ..."

"What?"

" ... and all of my awards. All of my belongings. My clothes, jewellery. So you'll have something to remember me by."

"Baby I told you we're not that far from the - "

"Will you marry me, Leo?"

'WHAT?!"

"Will you marry me? I mean, I assumed we'd get married eventually anyway, but seeing as I'm not making it past 30. Why wait, right?"

"Cris, stop."

"Leo I'm bleeding. I think it's infected."

"It's a scratch baby, you'll live."

"Expect I won't. I'm a dead man walking."

Leo wasn't sure what made the thought go through his head, but once he had realized that they were only a few minutes from the car - Cris still hadn't noticed by the way -he decided to have a bit of fun with his restless Portuguese lover.

Cristiano was walking a few feet ahead of him, dragging his feet dramatically when Leo let out the most guttural scream the older man had ever heard.

"Fuck Cris! RUUUNNNNN!"

Leo fell into a full sprint, bumping Cristiano's shoulder as he flew by his aggravated lover.

"Wha - what? What the fuck Leo! Where are you going?!"

"Baby run, it's behind you!"

Cristiano had no idea what he was running from but he wasn't waiting around to find out.

Leo was almost out of sight when Cristiano finally hit full speed.

"Leo! Leo fuck! Leo wait for me!"

Leo didn't answer and Cristiano couldn't see him anymore.

The wind picked up and Cristiano swore he heard something moan behind him and _oh no, not fucking today_. Cristiano put his head down and Usain Bolt sprinted down the path.

"LEO FOR FUCKS SAKE, WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF PERSON DITCHES THERE BOYFRIEND IN THE WOODS!"

Cristiano could see some sort of light up ahead. He prayed to every God he knew that whatever was up there was friendly and didn't want to make minced meat out his body.

Just as Cristiano was about to break through the threshold of the woods, a small body tackled him to the floor, scaring the ever living shit out him.

He tried as best as he could to fight off his attacker, but he was paralyzed with fear.

That is, until he recognized the very distinct laugh bellowing from the familiar silhouette above him.

"You piece of shit ..."

Leo had to wipe tears from his eyes.

"Baby, I'm sorry I had to."

" ... you utterly resounding piece of revolting shit. You stupid motherfucker!"

Leo held out a hand to help Cristiano up, but the older man slapped it away and stormed off towards the car.

"Cris wait." Leo said, still chuckling.

"No, you know what? When the zombie apocalypse happens and trust me it _will happen_ , I hope you're one of the first people to turn, just so I can shoot you in the head my fucking self!"

Leo smirked. "Fair enough baby."

"And another thing." Cristiano screamed, slamming the car door closed as he sat in the passengers seat. "If we do ever get married, which is a BIG fucking _if_ now, I am making you sign a fucking prenup!"

"That's fair too."

"Yes I know it's fair. I don't need you to tell me it's fucking fair, Leo. Shut up."

Leo sighed, patting Cristiano on the thigh before starting the car and heading for home.

"This was fun. We should do this again."

Cristiano was doing his best to ignore the younger man.

"I'll bring a compass next time." he reassured his lover. "And some water. And a first aid kit for your wounds."

Cristiano flicked Leo's ear, making the Argentine smile at the older man affectionately.

"Serious question though, baby ..." Cristiano turned his head slightly to look at Leo, who laced their fingers together and placed a gentle kiss against his skin.

" ... do I still get your house?"


End file.
